So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
you had me at cake vodka
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
