I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
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He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
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He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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