Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
