Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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