I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i wish my penis had a tongue
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
