he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
