Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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