i think my tv is drunk
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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