Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
