Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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