Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
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