Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
