They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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