ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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