so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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