Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
false alarm, still single
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