omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
