I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
