Nicole vs. Life
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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