He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
