The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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