I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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