my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
