My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
two words: eviction party
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
