I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
where does the pee come out of this thing
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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