I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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