i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
