i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
