the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
