Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
