I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
