i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
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I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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