im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
