I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
