The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
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Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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