Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
