my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
