look no pants
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
