pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
So apparently I’m into choking now
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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