i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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