Swine flu. Run for my life!
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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