look no pants
I could have mohawked her pubes.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
