Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
