It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
