He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
