Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
