I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
