let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
