I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
