The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
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