I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
My vagina is officially offended.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
