I need to stop coming to work sober
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
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