all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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