i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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