my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
