my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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