Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
