literally had 100 drinks last night.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Your penis caused this!
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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