I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
