covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
